I know... I know...

I know the old saying "Life ain't fair!" But I'm really feeling that life just isn't fair!!!

Tomorrow morning, one of my cousins is getting marriend for the SECOND time in about 3 years.  Now don't get me wrong... her first marriage needed to end.  She had health issues and her "husband" decided it was just too much for him to deal with.  It was something that couldn't have been determined before they got married so it's not like she could have told him about it before hand.  However, where is the fairness in this?  Her second marriage in 3 years at 26 years old and I'm 47 (almost 48) years old and have never been married!!!!  What the H*** did I do wrong with my life (or past life) to deserve this?  Not only never married, but only had one "meaningful" relationship (and at this point I'm reconsidering how meaningful that really was).

Not only this, but I have another cousin that is also preparing for her second marriage as well.  She is 35 years old.  I don't know what happened to her first marriage, but again...FAIR?  I don't think so.

The one thing on my side is that on my Dad's side of the family there are 4 grandchildren (granddaughters).  Three of the 4 are married (guess who isn't!!!!).  However, 2 of the 3 are now divorced (one preparing for her second marriage, the other working on another relationship) and one not sure where her marriage is going.  I'm the only one of the 4 that hasn't had to deal with any of that.

I guess I should be thankful for the little things.

WOW... and not in a good way

I just expressed some feelings to a friend and got a reaction that was so totally unexpected I'm stunned. 

I didn't expect them to necessarily agree with the way I was feeling, but I was basically told to shut up and mind my own business unless there was something I could do to change it.  It brought me to tears (and still is) because I was made to feel like I'm nothing but a rumor monger by even telling them about it. 

I am in shock.  As each day goes by I'm seeing more and more about this person that just makes me wonder why I am so attached.  As they say, people change and in the 4-1/2 years I've known this person there has definitely been a change.  I just wish I was a stronger person and could stand up to them the way they stand up to me.

So... What would you change and when?

If you were granted the wish of going back in time, how far back would you go?  Once back to that time, what would you change?

Answering the first part is difficult.  Do you know when something happened that would have changed your life's journey?  At what point in your life can you say "If I had gone 'left' there instead of 'right' my life would be better." And how do you know that it would be better?  How do you know it wouldn't have taken you down an even uglier road than what you think you are already on.

I'm sure that this next comment will sound egotistical and self-centered, but I need to say it.  Why do I feel like I always have to give, give, give even though I don't get the same in return?  Turning this back to my original question, what would I do to change this?  Who would I choose not to help?  What would I choose not to do?

I'm just feeling very taken for granted in many different areas of my life and I'm trying to look back in my life and see what I did wrong to deserve the cards I've been dealt.  I know the old saying, but IT JUST AIN'T FAIR!!!

Life is really tough.

Hmmm...

Once again, I want to tell you, yesterday was not an issue. I realize you may have to stay sometimes and there may be times when you'll have to wait for me. Just let me know how long you think you might be and I'll do other things like I did yesterday.

Now, this morning.... that's a different story...

First of all, I want you to know that I feel like I'm risking a lot by even sending you this email, but I HAVE to say something or its going to eat at me all day.

Is there something wrong between us because YOU WERE AN A@@ this morning! I think you totally over-reacted to me not following what you thought you had told me. As I TRIED to say in the CONVERSATION, when you FIRST said D was having a meeting with the principal there was no mention of the security video! It wasn't until later, when you said S had met with the principal and you said HE had reviewed it, that the video even came up. You didn't say anything about S being allowed to look at it, so I was not assuming that D was going to get to see it either without being insistent. However, you got pissed off, didn't let me finish my thoughts and the conversation ended right there.

And by the way... that was not the first time you've done something like to me but I've let it go. However, I'm tired of it. You made me feel like an imbecile. I haven't spoken up in the past because I was afraid of you shutting me out. I didn't feel like it was worth it. But I can't let you do that to me anymore. I'm making myself miserable because I'm afraid of losing your friendship. That's not healthy, even though I "hate you" but this morning I was feeling that in the true sense of the word and I don't want us to ever get to that point.

So, now that I've probably just thrown our friendship in front of steaming locomotive, I'll let you get back to work.

Have a good day.

Me

What to do...

I had an appointment with my Doctor on Monday.  It was that dreaded ANNUAL EXAM thing.  I not only was dreading that, but also beating myself up about my weight and my blood pressure.  My pressure has been running high for over year now.  Of course, that is affected by my weight... hmmmm... imagine that.

She didn't make me feel as bad as I was thinking she would.  However, she did give me a few things to think about. 

1. STOP BEATING MYSELF UP!
2. Get up and move.
3. Watch what I eat.

#1 is the hardest one for me.  I'm very insecure and while no one will believe it, I more easily see the negative in myself that I do the positive. 

So, I've got some thinking to do.

LIFE SUCKS!

I don' t know that I even want to go to the trouble of writing anything to support that statement. Just know that I truly feel like life sucks. LIFE SUCKS! life sucks! LIFE SUCKS!!!

I'm not even going to start listing reasons... I'll never finish.

Something that really bothers me...

I just realized there is something that really bothers me. I hadn't thought of it in this aspect until just now.

I have a friend from junior/senior high school. We don't communicate a whole lot, but she's still a presence in my life. Lately her lifestyle (what little I know of it) and the choices she has made bug me.

See, when we were kids, she was a very devout baptist and believed strongly in God, Jesus Christ, etc. Well, lately she has basically denounced God and become a wiccan. What she told me is that she can not believe in a God that would allow his children to suffer the way that she has suffered. So she has turned to witchcraft, herbs, paganistic rituals, medicine wheels, etc.

I'm sorry, but from what I know of her life she has not suffered any more than most and not as much as others. I know that she has had a couple of miscarriages, and has tried to adopt several children throughout the years that haven't worked out, but she does have one son. Never having been pregnant, let alone had a miscarriage, I can only imagine the pain she had to endure losing those children. However, in my opinion, she should be extremely grateful for the son she does have. She won't go to baby showers anymore because "it's too painful." She just can't be happy for the mother-to-be. HOW SELFISH!!!!!!

I feel cheated that I never found someone to marry and that I never had the opportunity to have even one child! But I'm not turning to this (in my opinion) ridiculous "religion."

One of the reasons I think the adoptions didn't work out is because her marriage isn't good. She's told me before that she wants to leave her husband, but doesn't know how she would make it if she did. I believe that she mentioned to me that he might be suicidal if she did just to spite her. I believe that there was some divine intervention when the adoptions did not go through. Why would God allow a child to come into a home with an unstable relationship like that?

I will give her credit though... although she was not a good student when we were in school, she has home schooled her son and he seems to be doing very well.

I truly believe that everyone is entitled to choose the life they want to lead, however, I don't have to approve of it or accept it. I believe this is why I am so reluctant to communicate with this person and do not like to socialize with her.